What do you do....
when you are in a funk?
Or am I the only one who has these days?
I don't know if it is the stress of these last two months...
all the grief...
trying to hold up everyone else in their grief...
the sorrow of a mother's heart....
seeing her child's heart breaking...
and not being able to do anything about it...
or
the failing economy that is affecting us all...
too much to do everywhere I look...
that all I want to do is go
and pull the cover's over my head...
and hope that when I wake up
everything will be better.
What do you do when you get to this point?
Any advice??
(I try to keep this blog 'up' and 'inspiring'....
so please forgive my inadequacies today.)
(I try to keep this blog 'up' and 'inspiring'....
so please forgive my inadequacies today.)
Honestly? I've dealt with clinical depression my whole life, and I don't have true episodes very often anymore. But when I do, I've learned from experience to just hang on. Don't fight it. It will ease away and everything *will* be better.
ReplyDeleteAnd just as if you were literally hanging onto a rope over a cliff, you've got to drop as much baggage as you can, or it will drag you down even more.
Ease back tremendously on the expectations you place on yourself. Let any deadlines slide that can. Pick one or two things that you normally love doing and make sure you go through the motions of participating (be it sewing on a given favorite project or meeting a friend for lunch) at least two times per week. Make plenty of down time for yourself every day - like a long bath with a good book or a snuggle on the sofa with a good movie, with NO GUILT for not doing ANYTHING except lounging in the moment. This is important - the resting period is actually an emotional rebuilding catharsis, not laziness. Don't worry - when you feel better, you will automatically leave the extra downtimes off and get back to normal productivity levels.
Identify a minimal housework level you can live with and allow yourself to do only that much. Do not let concerns of what other people will see get you down. WHO CARES (in this context) if your floor isn't mopped when your friend comes over or if you only do dishes at the end of the day. Either they're your friend and honestly won't care, or they'll feel better about their own house when they go home. ;D
Don't worry - when you feel better (and you will), you will automatically pick the slack back up. The big key is to fall back to a less demanding "schedule" on all accounts possible and allow that productivity level to be enough with no guilt. When I do this, the depressive episode resolves quicker than otherwise, and I actually do get an impressive amount of stuff done when I look back on the episode.
But if you have to scale back on hoped-for accomplishments (like lots of homemade Christmas gifts), there is no shame in that. We're not robots that can plow through at the same high speed all the time. Depression, a slump, the blues, post-partum, grief. . . these are all valid slowing-down experiences.
Hopefully you won't be stuck for long.
{{{{{ }}}}}
John'aLee... I know what you are going through...I am, too. And I agree completely with LynCC above. Give yourself permission to just "be" for a while with no obligations. The "slump" will pass and things will get back to normal. You have been through a very, very rough and emotional time. You need the down time for you so that you can recharge so you're better able to hold the rest of your family up when they need you. And I'm here for you if you need to chat!
ReplyDeleteLove ya, girl!
Cyndi
Along with all that LynCC said I also would add: Get in God's Word...Listen to good hymns....Listen to good solid preaching that encourages you in the Gospel. And remember that grief takes a toll on a person physically, as well as emotionally. You need to be resting as much as you can.
ReplyDeleteI am also in a funk myself. =(
I sympathize right along with you because I've been this way all year since losing my mom in January. All I can say is just hang on. Actually, reading LynCC's comment above helped me tremendously to quit putting so much pressure on myself to get things done. I have felt like a robot this year just doing the necessities. When you feel like crying, let it out. The longer you try to hold it in, the longer you will be in dealing with it. Yes, this will all pass, and we will have scars, but we have to keep trusting that God knows what's best in each of our lives. I just wrote a post on my blog the other day entitled "Am I Really Thankful?". I hope it will help in some way. {{{BIG HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteLynCC said it perfectly. Stop feeling guilty about not doing - it's ok not to be "on" all the time. This too shall pass - really it will :)
ReplyDeleteIt's hard, isn't it? I think as moms we grieve doubly. For our own loss and then for our child as well. My baby girl's first baby was stillborn (at 41 weeks) earlier this year. I grieve the loss of Everett, and I grieve over my daughter and seeing her hurt. It's a struggle. And I'll be honest, here it is nearly nine months later and it's still very much a part of our lives. Even with a new baby on the way. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I know that our faith (and I feel I confident I can speak for my girl here) in God has sustained us both in ways I'd never understood before. He brings great peace just when I need it. You all have been in my prayers, and will continue to be. :)
ReplyDeletemy life was so miserable when i was young that i just love that i never have to feel that way again. if i get a bad day i just remind myself that it goes with the territory and things will be different tomorrow!
ReplyDeletehttp://bfgblog.maryjanesfarm.org/default.asp?Display=21
ReplyDeleteOh, it's hard I know.... big hugs, take time for you even it it does mean pulling the covers over your head.. just for a day! Read the link above... it's my MaryJanesFarm Beach Blog post... there just might be something inside to give you a lift!
Love,
Deb
Girl, I just took two weeks off from blogging and sewing due to this - TAKE A BREAK. Everything will still be there when you're ready. I watched a lot of Lucy and played a lot of solitaire, spent time with my family and friends and it was just what was needed. You'll know you're ready to pick up again when you get bored, lol...
ReplyDeletePraying for you sweetie...
Thanks for posting this, and I think you've received some very wise answers. Yes, it's okay to stay in bed for awhile with a (comfy handmade) quilt over your head. I've had a very bad year myself, and learned from reading these responses. Just take it easy, and have faith.
ReplyDeleteSimply put: Just go with it. Let it run its course and try not to fight it or let it upset you. I know that's hard to do (I go through this periodically). This, too, shall pass. ~karen
ReplyDeleteHonestly? I lay it all at the foot of the cross. You have nothing to apologize for. You are simply exhausted. Breathe and pray. When you're too tired to pray...well that's where your prayer warriors come in. Praying that you fill His comforting presence.
ReplyDeletePraying that the coming weeks and months will slowly bring you out of the stress, depression, etc. It is completely normal.
ReplyDeleteBeckie in Brentwood, TN
I so agree with everyone but may I add one more thing, it will be the last thing you will want to do but, get out of the house. Go to the mall, walk around, window shop, get a cup of coffee and people watch. try to get outside and feel the fresh air. Then go home, pop in a good movie and yes, take some me time. Everyting will wait, the house, the cooking, the laundry,your blog. Make a list, a goal, just one for the day, not two or three, just one and when you do that one you will feel wonderful. Big Hugs Sweetie
ReplyDeleteThere certainly are a lot of "downers" out there these days... for me... I spend more time with family and friends, do things I enjoy, treated myself to a new sweater, do things to help others (sew quilt blocks for example), make sure I get outside in the sun for at least 5 mins each day, phone people I haven't spoken to in a while to catch up... stuff like that there! Just don't isolate yourself...
ReplyDeleteRemember times are bad for a lot of folks for various reasons...
(((((John'aLee)))))
I don't have any sage advice to offer other than 'be kind to yourself'. It's been a very rough year for many (loss of family /friends, illness, finances, etc....or a combination of all or some of the above). It's very difficult to do but try to just live in the moment - yesterday is gone and we don't know about tomorrow. In essence, be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteRemember that God is good and He's in control. Start praising Him and being thankful for the good things!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post! I so feel the same way two years after Amber went to Heaven. I just want to stay in bed and forget everything. I grieve for my loss and my other daugher's loss of losing her sister. She misses Amber so much too. I wish I knew the answer. I have lost my parents and other loved ones and there is nothing like losing a child. I know he was like one of your children. The holidays coming up are the hardest and the year of "firsts" without them here. All I know is I take one day at the time and take time to pray. The only thing that gets me through some days is knowing that Amber is with God and I will see my sweet girl again one day in Heaven! Just hang in there.
ReplyDeleteBig Hugs!
Donna
Hang on in there John a Lee - it will get better. I can sympathise completely. This year we've lost my Auntie, followed by my Mum in Law( my girls (11 and 13) are heartbroken) in the space of a week and in October I lost my Dad to Alzheimers. You must take some time for yourself and don't worry, your blog is always inspiring! xx
ReplyDeleteThe down periods are tough! Take time for yourself,go easy on yourself and let yourself grieve! It's early days. I lose myself in music and crafting/sewing whenever I can. I trust that God is good and that the darkness will pass :) Hugs to you xx
ReplyDeleteOh, Johna'Lee.....you have gotten some very excellent, comprehensive answers and I hope some of the advice works for you. My prayers for you continue. It is so hard to be the "mom" and try to make everyone else feel better...but the "mom" can't do this forever...and sometimes the "mom" needs someone to make HER feel better. Remember we all care about you and are here for you.
ReplyDeleteMy youngest son passed away at age 32 in February 2009. I understand what you are going through as you grieve. I still have those "down in a funk" days. For me, it helps to be with a friend who can listen, take a walk, watch an absorbing movie, and sometimes just embrace the grief moment and cry big time. My experience is that everyday is different and God is faithful to provide what I need. May you feel God's love, grace, mercy and strength as you face each day. Hugs, Leslie
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ReplyDeleteThe hearts of many have poured out to you...all of their endearing messages are the answer to your funk. Knowing others are there..listening to you, will help....my blessings xx
ReplyDeleteWow! Lots of great advice! Yes, I experience funks, as a matter of fact I just posted about going through a bit of one. For me, it always means I have to make some kind of change, whether it be big or small doesn't matter, and whether it is one or more doesn't matter either. Sometimes in my quilt work I feel like I am always quilting for somebody else and never get to play or express myself much. When that happens, I get out my quilting 'archives' of patterns and ideas and stir myself up, cut up some more scraps into specific sizes for future projects and decide which project is bugging me the most that I need to get done and out of the back of my mind. As far as personally, sometimes it's something I have no control over (economy), but it has an impact on DH and I and frustrates me, and sometimes it is something I can do something about. Whatever it is, I have some pretty awesome friends that I usually email (they don't live nearby)and talk things out, then ask them to pray for me. Works every time! Hugs and blessings! Trudy
ReplyDeletePraying that you can rest and know that God is holding you in His hands, even when you don't feel it!
ReplyDeleteBlessings
You told yourself in your post: "trying to hold up everyone else". When I get overwhelmed like this, I have to have some alone time, somewhere that does not remind me of all the responsibilities, the need, the want to help. Take a day or an afternoon even and go be in God's beauty, the mountains, the autumn leaves turning, the beautiful autumnal light that only comes this time of year. Go for a long walk, drive, run, whatever you do and bask in the glory. Choose the joy of the moments. It does wonders for recharging the batteries. Good luck, you will get through this. Remember to choose joy.
ReplyDeleteIn the quilt of your life, one block has been torn out. It's space remains empty. And yet it is not. It's space is filled with memories. That space changes the blocks that surround it. And yet, it does not. As blocks are added to the quilt that is your life. Each is precious. Each is unique. Each is changed by its neighbouring block, and yet, it is not.
ReplyDeleteRest your body. Rest your mind. Feel the love and comfort given to you. It is part of the quilt of your life. Your quilt will grow. The empty space will become a smaller part of the quilt, and yet it will not diminish.
Love and hugs.
We lost my father in law 2 months ago, and last week my sis in law miscarriage. We're still dealing with his house and things. And now it's the holidays. My answer right now is to cry when I feel like it, scream (at something inanimate) when I feel like it, sew when I feel like it, blog when I feel like it. Sometimes I don't even answer my phone, I just don't want to answer how I am. But I know all that's okay. It's part of what we're going through right now.
ReplyDeleteI also know that the sun will come up tomorrow, the world will keep spinning, and life will go on. The pain will ease with time. In the meantime, it's important to take care of ourselves and allow ourselves to grieve. Everyone's process is different, don't be afraid to follow your own path. Know that you're not alone, you are surrounded by people who care, and above all, don't expect too much of yourself. Allow yourself time to release the pain you feel. It's an important part of healing.
I think as women...we all get in some sort of funk or depression now and then and likey due to those hormones of ours! Just the other evening I went to bed at 7:30pm and cried for no apparent reason! I felt way better the next day. This happens to be periodically and has for years. Hang in there...it passes.
ReplyDeleteI figure when I get to that point, it's just time for me to take a break. Sometimes it is just a day or two, other times I'm not in the mood for a couple weeks. During the break I do something different. Organize a cluttered area of the house, or cook some new recipe's - anything that is a break away. Then when my mood to work on my quilting comes back, I'm all refreshed. : )
ReplyDeleteSweet John'aLee, I read your post early this morning and have been thinking about it all day long. I had a great long comment typed out and saved, but it just seemed empty somehow. So I waited and thought and prayed about what to say to you. I decided I would just tell you what I do to help me through the rough patches...
ReplyDeleteI take the simplest path. I read the 91sth Psalm, my favorite but certainly not the best known. Then I pray for the strength to give my burdens, all of them, up to the Lord for Him to take care of. It is so hard to let go of them, even though I know if I do, God will take them from me, comfort me, and open my heart to all the blessings I am surrounded by every moment of every day...blessings that I am blinded to when I am down and out. So now, I will leave you with this short but most powerful poem, in hopes that it help you...because my sweet friend, your heart needs mending...
As children bring their broken toys in tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God, Because he is my friend.
But then instead of leaving him to do his work alone,
I hung around and tried to help in ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow?"
"My child," he said, "What could I do, you never did let go."
-anonymous
John'aLee, you are in my thoughts and prayers always. Hugs...
It has been a little over 5 years since my oldest son passed away from a cancerous brain tumor. He was 26 years old and left a wife and an 18 month old son. I miss him every minute of the day. I am also the one that holds everyone up and tries to keep things as happy as possible. I really don't have any words of wisdom other than you have to try to remember the smiles through your tears.
ReplyDeleteI read some of your earlier posts to see what's going on and I want to say I'm sorry for your loss and that I am grateful for Chris' military service.
ReplyDeleteI think that with a loss as great as this one, it's better to feel what you feel. We recently lost a family friend to leukemia. The survivors who got on the best were the angriest at the senselessness of it, and the ones who grieved the hardest. It's the stoic ones who seem to hurt the longest, going through some severe depressions.
Take good care of yourself, and I'll keep you in my prayers.
You've received so much wise counsel here. Your feelings are so normal. Mom's do put up a strong front to support their suffering loved ones, but they eventually have to face the fact that they need time to heal, too. God's love, time, and giving yourself permission to go through your own grieving are all critical. I'll be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteEveryone here has already said everything I would have said and more. Do whatever you want and need to do for yourself. We'll all be here when you feel up to coming back. Huge hugs.
ReplyDeleteDearest John 'aLee, no wonder you feel as you do. You have had to contend with so much of late as well as everyday life, that in itself is enough to put anyone in a slump. I think you just have to do what your body tells you to do. Somedays it may be best to have a day where you stay in your pyjamas and blob, other days you might just want to sit and read, other days you may need to be with girlfriends. Sadly it won't disappear but you do have to at some time say- stop, its time I looked after me because if you aren't feeling good you are no good to anyone else and the last thing you need to do is pile more worry on your shoulders. Step back and breathe and if it does become too much then accept it and go and see your doctor for help. There is nothing wrong with not coping, you're not superwoman hun, you are a kind, loving and wonderful woman, wife and mother who sometimes needs looking after also. hugs from afar xox
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful group of blogging friends and everything they have said was out of love, compassion, concern, and experience. Allowing yourself time to grieve is the key along with a heavy dose of good old fashioned "pouring your heart out to the Lord" kind of prayer. Surround yourself with positive people, books, TV, music, etc... and know that none of this tragedy came as a surprise to your heavenly Father. Only He can know the reasons but He has promised to "give you Hope and a Future" Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) Plus, He is providing you with a brand new friend to spice up your life and you get to spend an entire "girls' day out" with her in a few weeks. Hmmmm???Who could that be ????
ReplyDeleteBlessings
Gmama Jane
It's the feeling of the last man standing.... we do need time to heal, we do need time to draw back, we do need time to grab ourselves together when everything around us is crumblin' down.
ReplyDeletehugggss xxxxxxxx Irene from Amsterdam
I'm sorry to hear you feel like this but it's completely understandable. You could not have gone on forever helping and supporting everyone along with all your organising. You need to take time for yourself and let your own grief take it's course. You'll be no use to yourself or anyone if you don't give yourself time to recover.
ReplyDeleteTeresa x
It is not unusual tofeel like you are after such loss.I find setting aside a time to let it all out helps...I set a timer or play sad or meaningful music..look at pictures ...write or light a candle or just close my eyes and remember...then let the tears or anger come..when the time is up..I do something comforting for me..wash my face and take a walk or nap .This helps me
ReplyDeleteHealing hugs to you and those who love you
Watch a good movie, eat chocolate and wait for it to pass because it will. You have to remember you have been on an emotional roller coaster for weeks now....just give yourself time to relax...and don't be hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteHi John'aLee... WOW!!! Lots of great advise... What can I say... I feel like that as well sometimes... I will not get into it but, yes, you have a full plate... You nee a vacation where there is lots of SUN... and, water (ocean)... Let the ocean pull all the worries away with the waves... I do this when I am down and Pray to the Lord to guid me in the right direction... While you are at the ocean you can design a new pattern... Hang in there because you children need you and do something special for them on Thanksgiving.... May you enjoy Thanksgiving... A Big HUG to you :)
ReplyDeleteI cannot add anything more to the good advice I have seen in these comments....except to tell you that I am among the many folks who continue to pray for you and your family. We ask Him to comfort you, as only He can.
ReplyDeleteSo that is what is the matter with me....just like living in a fog, sleepy all the time, no ambition, am of in my sewing room but need to get the ambition to go downstairs...the only thing I seem to enjoy is the internet
ReplyDeleteThe ladies above said it all, laying it all at the foot of the cross first and then follow through with the good advice. I lost my Dad a month ago, so am still feeling sad too.
ReplyDeleteDearest Johna'Lee beloved child of God, lean back and rest in His everlasting arms. Hold tight to the thought that He loves you and your precious Tory and all of your loved ones. You are not alone carrying your heavy burden, for He is carrying all of you, His precious Children. It's early days yet of your loss and very natural that you feel down. Thinking of you and praying for you. Take care of yourself Johna'Lee. God bless. Xxx
ReplyDeleteJohn'aLee when there's a death such as the one you've experienced everyone expects those near and dear to go through the grief process - his parents, his fiancee, his siblings. But we tend to forget that others who were sort of on the edge of his life do so as well. You might not have been his mother but you had every expectation of being close to that when he and your daughter married so your love for him was stronger than just the norm. In all liklihood you've ignored your grief so that you could support and care for your daughter. You've done the day to day necessaries and you've tried to keep up with all that you rightfully feel responsible for. But at some point you were bound to crash and fall into the grief yourself. I'm not saying you weren't grieving before - just that you pushed it aside to care for others. Now it's hit. Take time to cry, to stomp your foot and scream, to lay in the bed and refuse to get up. All these things bring us to acceptance. But put a time limit on it - tell yourself that you'll be sad/mad/lazy/depressed whatever you choose to call it for let's say two days. Once your time is up get up and go back to your daily routine. And during it all, pray. You need strength other than your own to get through those days and to get back up again. Like others before me I'll pray for His strength and peace to enfold you. blessings, marlene
ReplyDeleteI met you a couple weeks ago at a quilt show near Pittsburgh. I'm the one who fell in love with your black and white quilt (I'm sure you know exactly who I am now LOL). I just want to tell you that when I left your table I was going home and I was going to get back to quilting AND I DID! Thanks! I placed an order with you and received it I'm so excited!
ReplyDeleteNow I would like to try and help you...God never promised us a flight that wouldn't be rocky, He does however promise us a smooth landing. I know that when we are in a valley, that is when we grow in our faith. We are tallest when we are on our knees. It is so hard when we feel the way you are feeling, just go to a private place where you can be alone, no interruptions, and talk to God. Just let it all out,tell Him just how you feel. He is still there waiting for you to reach out to Him.
You and your family will be in my prayers. God bless you.
Doris
It is no wonder that you are in a funk. I've been there, and even blogged about it. I like when we blog our 'bad days' too, cuz after all, we are real people. Hang in there. Just find a happy place and stay there for awhile. Don't push yourself. HUGS!!!!
ReplyDeleteDoesn't matter when you get to this, just know you ALL have been in my thoughts and prayers. As I worked on blocks for Chris, I cried, and cried, for all the losses, new and old. Isn't the internet amazing though....how many friends can takes a moment to write and let you know you are not alone. Love and hugs, Denise in Boise
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